Sunday, April 3, 2011

And if God stopped watching....

It's been an overwhelming three days without security.
Work has been work. Constantly doing this, constantly doing that. My choice to take the medication was a scary one. Never have I felt so indifferent. Never had I experienced the emotions that were evoked from the tiny blue pill. There were things that I liked about it. Like the fact that my mind stopped wondering off about every single detail of the past and future. My anxiety level dropped to zero. But in turn, everything dropped to zero. Not only could I not function, I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not understand what it was that I was doing, what it was that I wanted to do, or even how I felt. I was a zombie, trapped inside of a body that was unresponsive of my surroundings. I could not feel any emotion. I was not sad, I was not happy, I was not angry. I simply was just an object in a room filled with people, and in a room filled with memories that even I could not picture. 
The second night that I could not sleep, I experienced an event that scared me to death. I opened my eyes and saw that my room was moving in multiple directions and voices were speaking to me from every corner of my body. I was afraid but I could not cry, scream or say anything. I tried to get up and realized the hardship of trying to stand in such a weird situation. 
After that night, my insomnia was getting to me very badly. I knew I had work to do but I could not do it and I was not worried about it at all. It was then that I finally decided that it was time for me to stop the medication. I called my physician and then the pharmacist. 
Today, is my second day without the medication. I was able to get some rest last night and I have finally gotten my work completed. So far, I am able to stop myself from thinking about various problems in my life without the aid of medication, or so that is what I am hoping. 
I am making a final challenge for myself to finally let go of everything that has been the basis of the feelings that I exert each and every day. This will be the only way that I will be able to come to peace with myself and the people in my life that I have hurt and love the most. 
I must finally forget what has happened and begin again on a new journey for myself. I must learn new ways to channel the negative energy that has been trapped inside of my heart and destroy it once in for all. 

For the sake of myself. I will devote the time that I have to being a person of goodness and gratitude. For I have forgotten what it is in life that is so precious.

Yours Truly,
Liv

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